Cancelled one of my credit cards today

And I had a surreal, scripted conversation doing so.

Me: Dialling the 0870 number to Lloyds TSB credit card department.

Automatic phone voice: Welcome to bla bla (no instructions). Do you want to report a card stolen?

Silence

Me: (after a while) No

Are you the principal card holder?

Silence

Me: eehhh – yes?

APV: Enter you card number

Me: xxxx xxxx xxxx xxxx

APV: Your four digit expire date

Me: xxxx

APV: Your date of birth

Me: xxxxxx

Silence then APV: I do not recognise the date. Try again.

Me: xxxx19xx

Your balance is £21.95 and your available balance is £3478.05 (just for example)
Press 1 if you want to hear your balance (ME: I just did!)
Press 2 if you want to … hmmm can’t remember
Press 3 is you want to speak to an Agent.

Silence

Me: Right that what I have to chose from. Must be Agent then and pressing 3

Arrived at UK based call centre where I go through the normal routine to confirm the information.

Me: I want to cancel my credit card.

Agent: I am transferring you

On hold

New Agent: Hello Ms – how can I help you? (Arrived at Non-UK Call centre)

Me: I want to cancel my Credit card. (Obviously this info have gone missing while I was on hold)

NA: Why?

Me: I am not using it anymore

NA: Do you have other credit card and/or store cards?

Me: Yes – that is why I don’t use this card anymore

NA: How much do you have in credit?

Me: None of you business

NA: Silence

Me: Silence

NA: The reason I am asking is that we have a great offer of Balance Transfer of 7%

Me: Not interested (and there my patient is gone!)

Me: It is a strange thing to say to me when I am cancelling my credit card. Why would I want to transfer any balances?

NA: Silence

Me: I guess you have to say that.

NA: Silence

NA: I have now cancelled you account. You must ensure that the outstanding balance of £21.95 is paid on time and cancel any Standing order or Direct Debit.

Me: Will you collect the outstanding balance via my Direct Debit?

NA: You must ensure that outstanding balance of £21.95 is paid on time and cancel any Standing order or Direct Debit.(said much more quicker this time around, I get the feeling that he don’t want to speak to my anymore).

Me: Noooooooo. Silence. You have to confirm to me of how I should be paying the outstanding balance since I do not want to miss any payments.

NA: Oh I don’t know. I transfer you to Customer service.

On hold.

Arrived back to the UK call centre again.

Me: How will you collect the outstanding balance?

New new Agent: Do you pay in full with Direct Debit?

Me: Yes

NnA: It will be collected at the end of the month.

Me: Ok. Thanks for your help.

NnA: Bye

Me: Bye

Me: Cutting up my Credit card in thousand and one pieces.

I don’t know what I dislike the most, Non-UK call centre with a script they have to stick to no matter what or those APV where you talk to yourself.

The reason why cancelled this card is if I don’t spend £500/annum with it then Lloyds will start adding charges – and I am allergic to pay unnecessary bank charges.